Ok, I don’t really have a PhD in Parenting. It doesn’t exist. But for some reason it got your attention and made you want to read more. Why is it that you don’t think you have all the answers already? What is society doing so wrong that we feel like we can’t figure out this parenting thing? That we are failing our children and doing it wrong? Why are we constantly reading the articles, studies, blogs, and posts shared over and over between well-meaning and exhausted parents? How come, even though generation after generation of parents never needing a manual in this parenting gig, we can’t even figure out what to feed our kids or how to get them to sleep? What is going on??
I’ll tell you one thing, it’s not you. It truly isn’t. You have absolutely everything you need inside yourself right now to walk away from all the so-called expert advice and master what it is to raise your child. What is failing is not you, it is our society & culture that has left us feeling helpless and hopeless. We’ve been made to feel completely inept. And we are unsupported. Gone are the days of the village of caring & loving adults to watch over our kids & give us a break, we are more or less on our own.
There is a magic word that holds the answer to all of your parenting woes & insecurities. Are you ready for it? It is pretty powerful. It’s called INSTINCT.
We, human beings, are really just pretty evolved mammals and even though it often seems that we’ve evolved away from our most primitive instincts they are still there, driving us subconsciously. We have just forgotten how to listen. The shift that is needed is to stop looking outside of ourselves to others’ voices and start listening to our mammalian, instinctual brain.
Imagine for a moment your 3 year old child has just thrown himself on the floor of the grocery store because you told him he couldn’t push the cart. I know, it’s far-fetched, but stay with me. Now picture this moment in vivid detail, you are the parent standing over looking down, your grocery cart full of a week’s worth of groceries. What do you see? A spoiled brat of a child embarrassing you and making you look like the failure you are, exposing you to the world, who needs to be taught a lesson? Look again, & listen to your heart. What do you see? Really see? I’m guessing if you are really honest with yourself and you shut down the internalized judgmental voice that society has ingrained in us you would say that your child is overwhelmed by his emotions. He can’t see past the futility of this moment. He doesn't have the life experience or maturity to know that this really isn’t a big deal, because to him it is the biggest deal of his life in this very moment. He is so overwhelmed from these emotions that he is scared. He doesn't need you to walk away or take things away from him or ignore him or spank him or punish him. He also doesn't need you to give in & let him push the cart. He needs to know that you are there with him as he rides this emotional wave. You are his safety beacon to let him know you together will get through this and all will be ok. He will survive this “no,” & on the other side of this melt down to end all melt downs he will be wiped out, exhausted, spent, calm, and…. he survived. That feeling of having survived that emotional tidal wave? That is resiliency developing. No after no. Futility after futility. Tantrum after tantrum. Until our children grow up, knowing they are loved & cared for unconditionally by a parent who knows what their child needs, full of resilience and potential. It’s a beautiful thing. And it’s nature's way.
So what do you do? What would you do?
We have this in ourselves if we can shut down that horrible, awful, judgmental voice that society has driven into us. Ignore the well-meaning parents with their personal assessments and advice. Push aside your mother or mother-in-law’s condescending tone of “how they did it way back when”. You have the answers inside of you! You just need to read your child and trust your instinct! It is there, it hasn’t gone away.
And the irony isn’t lost on me that here I am, another “expert”, telling you what to do.
Finding your instinct again is tough because it can be hard to learn the difference between your instinct talking and internalized messages from society talking. But with practice it gets easier and easier. And as you walk this new instinctual walk with your child your relationship becomes more and more fulfilling. You start to realize, deeply and profoundly, that this… this is what it is all about. All my child needs is me, and this is the most important role I will ever have. I am worthy of the overwhelming & fulfilling joy that is being the answer to my child. I am all they ever need.
This is my journey, full of wonderful successes & failures, and I’d be happy to help you rediscover yours.